Monday, January 14, 2013

Mommy Blues

I wish the topic wasn't so sad. I wish it wasn't necessary. Nevertheless, "it is what it is" (as my dad would have said), and I figured I should write my piece.

I have immensely enjoyed my first 15 weeks as a mother. Words cannot accurately describe the love I have felt since we welcomed her into the world. That being said, the last few weeks have been particularly rough.

For starters, its the dreaded nap. For those of you counting, this marks the fourth time I've mentioned this (so far) ;). Our sweetheart is resisting the overwhelming need to sleep and will only succumb when I give up and put her into the Moby wrap. This leads to countless google searches and page-flipping. Am I spoiling our daughter? Am I setting us up for utter disaster? Everyday I give a good shot at putting her down in the pack and play by our bedside but unfortunately she wants nothing to do with it.

Next, she is really attached to me. Yes, this has its wonderful, amazing benefits. I feel so appreciated and loved. Needed and prefered. Its dear, its sweet, its exhaustive. Being a stay at home mom, I'm here 24/7. Every cry, every diaper, every smile, everyday. I love that. However, to be quite honest, when my husband comes home momma needs a break! Whether it be 15 minutes to do a chore of some sort or, heck, a run to the grocery store, I've got to have that break. Up until the last week or so its been fine. Lately, not so much.

My husband, as I've illustrated here several times already, is an amazing, doting, father. He never hesitates to change her, to play with her, to comfort her. This mom kick, however, is not really helping. As far as I know he doesn't seem to be taking this preference personally. It appears he knows its a stage that we'll get through.  My problem isn't with his unwillingness - its the fact that when she's inconsolable I'm the only one who can bring her down.

Some nights I'll nurse her to sleep, carefully put her down, creep downstairs, get cozy on the couch with my love and then she'll wake up and its back to square one. My sweetheart will rush upstairs, offer the pacifier, pick her up, rock her, change her, and its just wail after wail until I take her into my arms and start the bedtime process over. By the time she is actually asleep I am so exhausted that I consider getting into bed myself and calling it a night (at 7:30 pm!!!). Not because the whole day is exhaustive - just the last hour. But that hour is so hard.

Lastly, I would be lying if I said I wasn't struggling with my mom identity, too. I love being home, I feel so privileged, but I feel like many people (not my husband, mind you) think its just SO EASY to stay home, caring for an infant. Its difficult to go an entire day without socializing with an adult, without chewing your food, without having a moment to yourself. Being a mother is a selfless job and this is the reality. The problem is I feel guilty that the reality sometimes brings me down.

All in all I have to remember...

I am Mom, but I'm Jessica, too.  

This job is difficult and it is an adjustment but it is so worth it. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband, family, and friends who have continued to lend their hearts to me and my girl. 

I'll cherish these moments for a lifetime 12/9/12

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