Week 19

It's been a few days since my last post but in my defense things have been pretty wild around here.

I know I've written countless posts about my girls sleep (and lack thereof) but really - at 4 1/2 months old (trying to) sleep is one of the main parts of her day.

Anyhow, the last few days have been particularly trying. Our girl only wants to sleep on us- a preference I thought she gave up back on week 15. We gave up swaddling because she is rolling in one direction and so close to going the other way, but it is nearly impossible to put her down to sleep without her screaming.

I swear I've tried it all. Her pediatrician said she's too old to be rocked to sleep and we should be working toward putting her down awake but drowsy. How is this possible?!? She yells like her leg is broken (I assure you it's not) the second we put her down after an abbreviated bedtime routine. I've tried singing lullabies, rubbing her belly, holding her hand, letting her fuss for a minute (we are not comfortable with letting her cry for extended periods at this age), letting her see me "sleep" in the rocking chair - none of it works. She is so so upset and just wants her mom. I promise were trying to put her downstream the first signs of sleepiness but by the time I give in some 45 minutes later, she has fallen apart and is SO exhausted I end up saying screw it - she can just sleep on me. Clearly my baby is boss.

It all came to a head two nights ago when even her night sleep was being disrupted heavily. She went down for the first leg of her sleep fine - but around midnight she woke up and didn't want to be put down - she was so tired but wouldn't sleep. We even thought it was possible that she was teething (she's not). Needless to say, yesterday I was pretty tired and thank goodness my husband was able to come home early to give me a break.

Last night she slept much better so maybe things are turning around. I haven't read the book, just blurbs about it online, but The Wonder Weeks claims there is a huge growth spurt around 19 weeks (peach turned 19 weeks Monday) that lasts from 15 weeks old to around 20. During this time their sleep gets wonky, they are more clingy, and a bit more fussy. I know it may be silly, but it's been putting my mind at ease to think this is just developmental and temporary. That we're not damaging progress by holding her more right now.I also find solace in those quiet moments with my babe in my arms thinking, soon enough, she won't want to be sleeping in my arms anymore and how foolish I may feel for wishing it away right now. I have been just watching her sleep and trying not to get to emotional when I think about how much I love her and how excited I am to watch her grow.

All I can do is keep trying to put her down awake but drowsy and not beat myself up when that attempt doesn't work. As another blog I read reminded me a few weeks ago, my baby is not a robot. I'll just continue to trust my heart, my intentions, and know that it'll all work out soon enough.